1 00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:07,320 It seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on TV. 2 00:00:07,580 --> 00:00:12,800 But where are those good old -fashioned values on which we used to rely? 3 00:00:17,580 --> 00:00:19,340 Laugh and cry. 4 00:00:35,460 --> 00:00:37,200 My apologies, Mr. Griffin. Dr. 5 00:00:37,420 --> 00:00:41,000 Hartman is still with a patient and definitely not playing rock band through 6 00:00:41,000 --> 00:00:42,800 paper -thin walls of his office right now. 7 00:00:43,900 --> 00:00:49,500 Well, I'm here to remind you of the mess. 8 00:00:49,720 --> 00:00:52,180 Watch out for the plug! Watch out for the plug! Oh, you dope. 9 00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,480 Sorry, I was with a very sick patient. 10 00:00:56,700 --> 00:00:57,920 You're still wearing the guitar. 11 00:00:58,460 --> 00:01:01,460 Oops, my bad. Let's keep that off the Yelp, huh? 12 00:01:01,840 --> 00:01:05,420 So you're here for a physical. I'll start with a few questions. How many 13 00:01:05,420 --> 00:01:08,640 would you say you have per week? Four. Oh. Hundred. Oh. 14 00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:12,520 Fifty. Okay, you need to talk faster. Now, I'm going to show you a list of the 15 00:01:12,520 --> 00:01:16,780 top ten songs on Spotify. Tell me how many of these artists or songs you 16 00:01:16,780 --> 00:01:17,880 recognize. Nine. 17 00:01:18,100 --> 00:01:19,360 Oh, wait, I know her. 18 00:01:20,000 --> 00:01:25,240 Dua, Dua, Duolingo. Not sure we can accept that. Let's go to the Gen Z judge 19 00:01:25,240 --> 00:01:28,120 who's always sad about stuff he just saw on social media. 20 00:01:28,560 --> 00:01:32,500 Do you even realize how much water it takes to grow a single almond? 21 00:01:32,780 --> 00:01:37,000 Well, he's busy being sad about almonds. However, I can say that given your age 22 00:01:37,000 --> 00:01:40,880 and embarrassing lack of pop culture knowledge, it's time I schedule you for 23 00:01:40,880 --> 00:01:42,980 your first colonoscopy. What the hell is that? 24 00:01:43,200 --> 00:01:46,220 Here's a video of a plumber from Southie describing the whole thing. 25 00:01:46,540 --> 00:01:50,280 So they snake this freaking camera in your caboose. Look, I know it sounds 26 00:01:50,340 --> 00:01:51,860 but it ain't. It's a real medical procedure. 27 00:01:52,140 --> 00:01:53,140 It's not gay. 28 00:01:53,220 --> 00:01:54,220 You ever had one? 29 00:01:54,320 --> 00:01:55,320 Nah, what am I, gay? 30 00:02:00,369 --> 00:02:01,369 What's all that stuff? 31 00:02:01,470 --> 00:02:04,990 Oh, just some fawns. We're going on a field trip to the animal shelter and I 32 00:02:04,990 --> 00:02:08,910 need Mom to chaperone. You need a chaperone for a trip to the animal 33 00:02:08,910 --> 00:02:09,910 you're not asking me? 34 00:02:09,949 --> 00:02:13,150 Why? So you can taunt all the German shepherds behind bars? 35 00:02:13,570 --> 00:02:14,830 I wouldn't do that. 36 00:02:15,090 --> 00:02:16,970 Yeah? Then why is your tail wagging? 37 00:02:17,670 --> 00:02:21,730 Damn. Look, all I'm saying is I could provide hope to those dogs in there 38 00:02:21,730 --> 00:02:23,390 given up by telling them my story. 39 00:02:23,820 --> 00:02:24,820 A story of inspiration. 40 00:02:25,200 --> 00:02:28,000 A story of will. A story of triumph. 41 00:02:28,320 --> 00:02:32,100 You were picked up on the side of the road like a runaway hooker. A story of 42 00:02:32,100 --> 00:02:33,500 doing hand stuff for drugs. 43 00:02:38,380 --> 00:02:41,040 I've been putting off my colonoscopy for months now. 44 00:02:41,260 --> 00:02:43,720 Yep, my barber said I'm overdue for mine. 45 00:02:43,980 --> 00:02:44,978 You mean your doctor? 46 00:02:44,980 --> 00:02:46,060 Nope, barber. 47 00:02:46,280 --> 00:02:49,960 Black guys get their medical advice from their barbers and their haircut advice 48 00:02:49,960 --> 00:02:50,960 from their doctors. 49 00:02:51,100 --> 00:02:52,740 We're all just one guy off. 50 00:02:53,280 --> 00:02:57,120 Boy, what happened to the days when men just ignored months of bloody toilet 51 00:02:57,120 --> 00:03:01,240 water and slowly withered away to die a costly and unnecessary death? 52 00:03:01,500 --> 00:03:04,520 You know, maybe the reason we've been putting this off is because deep down 53 00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,140 we're scared. And maybe we'll feel better if we just talk about what we're 54 00:03:08,140 --> 00:03:09,460 scared of. All right, I'll go first. 55 00:03:09,680 --> 00:03:14,480 I'm mostly scared of someone seeing my gigantic butt and tiny wiener. That's 56 00:03:14,480 --> 00:03:15,480 what I'm scared of, too. 57 00:03:15,700 --> 00:03:18,680 What if there was a way to make the colonoscopy process less scary? 58 00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:23,030 Like... What if we rented a cabin and did the prep night together so we could 59 00:03:23,030 --> 00:03:24,170 there to support one another? 60 00:03:24,490 --> 00:03:25,910 That would make it easier. 61 00:03:26,190 --> 00:03:28,830 I'd do it. I'd be into that. Great. Cleveland? 62 00:03:29,070 --> 00:03:33,390 Yeah, Devante said it's cool. I'm assuming Devante is your... Devante is 63 00:03:33,390 --> 00:03:34,390 barber, yes. 64 00:03:37,800 --> 00:03:39,400 Hi kids, I'm Sophie. 65 00:03:39,760 --> 00:03:44,220 Welcome to the animal shelter where the pit bull to lesbian volunteer ratio is 66 00:03:44,220 --> 00:03:48,380 always one to one. So let's meet... Hi Sophie, Brian Griffin, dog who's also 67 00:03:48,380 --> 00:03:52,740 pretty much a guy. I'll take it from here. Fellow canines, my name is Brian 68 00:03:52,740 --> 00:03:56,080 Griffin. And before I tell you my story, I want to hear yours. 69 00:03:56,340 --> 00:04:00,240 Now, how many of you were returned by Lena Dunham or Ellen DeGeneres? 70 00:04:01,840 --> 00:04:05,720 Well, I'm here to say that no matter how pathetic that bitch Sarah McLachlan is 71 00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:09,440 making you all look in those commercials, there is hope. And I am 72 00:04:09,440 --> 00:04:12,980 of that. Everyone moved on to the cat section three seconds into whatever that 73 00:04:12,980 --> 00:04:16,660 was. Wait, they have cats here? Oh, I will not be around cats. 74 00:04:16,959 --> 00:04:18,480 It's an animal shelter. They've got everything. 75 00:04:18,720 --> 00:04:20,100 They even have Diddy's Pit Bull. 76 00:04:20,380 --> 00:04:24,380 Just let me outside. I'll play in the yard. I won't look. I won't tell nobody 77 00:04:24,380 --> 00:04:25,380 nothing. 78 00:04:28,360 --> 00:04:32,720 Come on, Brian. Even you have to admit these guys are pretty cute. Oh, cats are 79 00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:33,960 terrible, selfish creatures. 80 00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:35,660 I mean, who poops inside? 81 00:04:37,100 --> 00:04:39,240 Oh, my God, get her off! Get her off! Get her off! 82 00:04:41,520 --> 00:04:42,520 Huh. 83 00:04:46,320 --> 00:04:48,140 I guess that is kind of cute. 84 00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:50,220 You know, maybe I was wrong about cats. 85 00:04:50,760 --> 00:04:54,440 Okay, kids, it's time to see where we keep all the Rob Schneiders. 86 00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:58,500 Boy, everyone thinks they're ready for a Rob Schneider until they get one home. 87 00:04:58,660 --> 00:04:59,740 Come on, Brian, we gotta go. 88 00:05:00,000 --> 00:05:04,240 All right, let me just take this guy off my... What are you 89 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:10,920 doing? You're going to kill him! Drop it! Drop it now! 90 00:05:14,220 --> 00:05:15,440 What happened? I blacked out. 91 00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:17,680 You killed a kitten, you monster! 92 00:05:18,060 --> 00:05:21,500 I told you it was a bad idea for me to be in here, and we're going to be in so 93 00:05:21,500 --> 00:05:22,439 much trouble! 94 00:05:22,440 --> 00:05:25,320 All right, listen, we can't just leave the dead kitten in here. Okay, let me 95 00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,240 think. Well, there's got to be a dumpster out back. We could just put it 96 00:05:28,240 --> 00:05:29,780 there. I don't think we have another choice. 97 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:34,320 You could always cover yourself in drugged baby oil and wake up back at 98 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:36,360 I thought you said you were going to keep your mouth shut. 99 00:05:40,940 --> 00:05:44,360 Okay, our colonoscopies are tomorrow morning, so I'm going to go mix up some 100 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:46,260 tasty colonoscopy prep cocktails. 101 00:05:46,720 --> 00:05:48,800 I made a killer diarrhea playlist. 102 00:05:49,140 --> 00:05:52,200 Boy, you guys are going to lose it when we're five hours in and Natalie 103 00:05:52,200 --> 00:05:54,200 Imbruglia's porn comes on. 104 00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,780 You got Diana Ross's I'm Coming Out on there? 105 00:05:56,980 --> 00:05:59,940 This isn't my first diarrhea playlist, okay, pal? 106 00:06:00,480 --> 00:06:04,160 Gentlemen, say hello to my signature colonoscopy prep cocktails. 107 00:06:04,660 --> 00:06:09,000 Joe, here's your bum and coke. Peter, you get a piña colonada. And Cleveland 108 00:06:09,000 --> 00:06:10,460 gets a gin and deuce. 109 00:06:10,740 --> 00:06:11,740 Laid back. 110 00:06:11,940 --> 00:06:13,500 Yeah, I made myself a coiler maker. 111 00:06:13,780 --> 00:06:17,440 Bottoms up. And then in 45 minutes, bottoms very much down. 112 00:06:24,170 --> 00:06:27,850 Now, I assume that a single -room cabin in the woods has four bathrooms? 113 00:06:28,130 --> 00:06:30,550 Well, technically, it has one three -quarter bath. 114 00:06:30,790 --> 00:06:34,390 So there's not even a tub? I call the shower. Why wouldn't you call the toilet 115 00:06:34,390 --> 00:06:37,450 first? I don't have time to argue with you. I'll be in the shower. I call the 116 00:06:37,450 --> 00:06:41,410 toilet. I'm bagged and ready to go 24 -7. Fine, I'll figure it out. 117 00:06:41,830 --> 00:06:43,670 Whose blue luggage is this? 118 00:06:43,930 --> 00:06:45,850 Peter, no, that's my Away brand luggage. 119 00:06:46,070 --> 00:06:47,370 I get compliments on that. 120 00:06:53,000 --> 00:06:54,540 You guys look high as balls. 121 00:06:54,760 --> 00:06:55,940 Anyway, time for your results. 122 00:06:56,180 --> 00:06:59,380 Mr. Quagmire, Mrs. Swanson, and Mr. Brown, you're all clear. 123 00:06:59,600 --> 00:07:02,520 Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid we found something quite large. 124 00:07:02,820 --> 00:07:03,779 Was it my penis? 125 00:07:03,780 --> 00:07:07,460 It was definitely not your penis, although your butt is gigantic. 126 00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:09,280 What we found was this. 127 00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:14,900 Oh, my God! My childhood G .I. Joe! 128 00:07:15,200 --> 00:07:16,880 That was inside his colon? 129 00:07:17,140 --> 00:07:20,360 Yep, I'm afraid this soldier was literally left behind. 130 00:07:21,050 --> 00:07:24,130 Not to be that guy, but this Joe came with a pair of binoculars. 131 00:07:24,390 --> 00:07:25,730 He was kind of like the Scout. 132 00:07:26,030 --> 00:07:29,250 Did you happen to see anything like that? Oh, never mind. I think they just 133 00:07:29,250 --> 00:07:30,250 out of the mess hall. 134 00:07:34,970 --> 00:07:37,570 Peter, how did that little guy even get in your colon? 135 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:41,770 I was a kid. If you squish anything into Wonder Bread, it goes down soft. 136 00:07:42,110 --> 00:07:43,630 You ate a G .I. Joe? 137 00:07:43,870 --> 00:07:47,230 Oh, are we going to play this game, Quagmire? Are we going to play the How 138 00:07:47,230 --> 00:07:49,030 Objects Get Inside of You game? 139 00:07:49,330 --> 00:07:55,030 Withdrawn. Um, I just looked up vintage 1980s G .I. Joe Scout with binoculars, 140 00:07:55,070 --> 00:07:57,170 and it says it's worth $100 ,000. 141 00:07:57,710 --> 00:07:58,710 What? Wow. 142 00:07:59,070 --> 00:08:00,070 Let me see that. 143 00:08:02,050 --> 00:08:04,030 Holy crap, it does say that. 144 00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:07,010 Wait, I'm in your phone as white number three? 145 00:08:07,250 --> 00:08:09,090 What am I listed as in your phone? 146 00:08:09,330 --> 00:08:10,330 Withdrawn. 147 00:08:14,350 --> 00:08:17,530 I still can't believe I snapped and killed that kitten. You don't think that 148 00:08:17,530 --> 00:08:21,610 shelter has cameras, do you? There was one water bowl for 40 dogs. I don't 149 00:08:21,610 --> 00:08:22,610 they have money for cameras. 150 00:08:22,670 --> 00:08:26,130 Well, as long as neither of us talks, I guess we'll be fine. Yes, as long as I 151 00:08:26,130 --> 00:08:29,490 don't talk, we'll be fine. What's that supposed to mean? I'm just saying my 152 00:08:29,490 --> 00:08:33,590 silence comes at a price. And that price is the cost of an annual membership at 153 00:08:33,590 --> 00:08:34,770 the Soho House Malibu. 154 00:08:34,970 --> 00:08:37,049 What? That's the most expensive Soho House. 155 00:08:37,309 --> 00:08:41,270 Fine. Then I want front row seats to Paris Fashion Week. And I refuse to sit 156 00:08:41,270 --> 00:08:42,490 next to any of the Hadids. 157 00:08:42,890 --> 00:08:44,790 I will get you a sticker book of Bluey. 158 00:08:45,410 --> 00:08:46,950 You, sir, have my silence. 159 00:08:51,850 --> 00:08:55,050 Peter, would you mind moving that thing from your butt away from the onion rings 160 00:08:55,050 --> 00:08:56,250 we're all eating? Sorry. 161 00:08:56,450 --> 00:08:59,390 So, what do you guys think I should do with the hundred grand I'll make from 162 00:08:59,390 --> 00:09:02,930 selling this thing? What do you mean? We're splitting it. Yeah, we each get a 163 00:09:02,930 --> 00:09:03,609 share of that. 164 00:09:03,610 --> 00:09:07,610 I never said I'd split it. He was inside me. I was the one who spent decades 165 00:09:07,610 --> 00:09:11,150 carrying him to term. You wouldn't even have gotten the colonoscopy if it wasn't 166 00:09:11,150 --> 00:09:13,210 for us. I'm not giving you guys my money. 167 00:09:13,490 --> 00:09:16,950 We can't let him get away with this. I agree with white number two. 168 00:09:21,630 --> 00:09:25,170 Hey, check it out. Mayor West is doing press conferences on TikTok now. 169 00:09:25,590 --> 00:09:26,590 Howdy, TikTok. 170 00:09:26,670 --> 00:09:31,050 I'm Mayor Wild West, here today with a hat over my heart press conference. 171 00:09:31,530 --> 00:09:35,990 See, my sweet feline companion, Meower West, has gone missing. 172 00:09:38,550 --> 00:09:43,470 I was contacted by the shelter and told he had wandered into their facility, but 173 00:09:43,470 --> 00:09:46,670 when I went to pick him up, he was gone, possibly kidnapped. 174 00:09:47,210 --> 00:09:51,850 Well, when I find out who took him, I will personally pursue the harshest 175 00:09:51,850 --> 00:09:53,290 punishment allowed by law. 176 00:09:53,650 --> 00:09:58,750 Thank you, TikTok. Now, enjoy the vicious comments on the post of an 177 00:09:58,750 --> 00:10:00,790 girl who's clearly struggling. 178 00:10:01,480 --> 00:10:05,060 So AMC made me buy two seats for Wicked. 179 00:10:16,180 --> 00:10:20,580 Oh, my God. I killed Mayor Wild West's cat. 180 00:10:20,840 --> 00:10:23,560 Oh, this is bad, Brian. Very bad. You've got to get out of town. 181 00:10:23,820 --> 00:10:26,740 Luckily, I've got a go bag so I can leave at a moment's notice. 182 00:10:26,960 --> 00:10:27,960 Here, you take it. 183 00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:29,760 What's this? 184 00:10:29,800 --> 00:10:32,500 That's a European adapter for my corn air hair dryer. 185 00:10:32,780 --> 00:10:36,120 I think you're going to need that. Four pairs of boots? 186 00:10:36,340 --> 00:10:37,720 I don't know who's going to see me twice. 187 00:10:43,460 --> 00:10:47,160 You know, I can't believe you would let something like a toy get in the way of 188 00:10:47,160 --> 00:10:48,880 your friendship with the guys, Peter. 189 00:10:49,200 --> 00:10:53,080 So? You didn't talk to Bonnie for two years after she got the same haircut as 190 00:10:53,080 --> 00:10:55,080 you. Well, that's different. Bonnie's a bitch. 191 00:10:55,790 --> 00:10:59,870 I'm just saying, think of all the great times you've had with the guys. And 192 00:10:59,870 --> 00:11:01,110 you're going to give it up for what? 193 00:11:01,330 --> 00:11:02,330 40, 50 bucks? 194 00:11:02,750 --> 00:11:03,750 50 bucks? 195 00:11:03,770 --> 00:11:05,670 Lois, this thing's worth $100 ,000. 196 00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:07,570 Wow, Dad's right. 197 00:11:07,790 --> 00:11:10,230 I just Googled it. What? Let me see that. 198 00:11:10,570 --> 00:11:11,850 Oh, my God, Peter. 199 00:11:12,230 --> 00:11:13,310 We're going to be rich. 200 00:11:13,590 --> 00:11:17,310 Okay, forget everything I just said. Screw those guys. Your butt stuff 201 00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,310 to us. 202 00:11:18,590 --> 00:11:19,590 I get it. 203 00:11:20,490 --> 00:11:22,530 Excuse me, are you Peter Griffin? Yeah. 204 00:11:22,830 --> 00:11:23,830 You've been served. 205 00:11:25,550 --> 00:11:28,910 Those bastards are actually suing me for the ass share at a G .I. Joe. 206 00:11:29,310 --> 00:11:31,210 Excuse me, are you Andrew McCormick? 207 00:11:31,490 --> 00:11:34,470 Yes. I'm here to serve you. Wait, I just served him. 208 00:11:34,710 --> 00:11:36,010 Get out of here. You're lying. 209 00:11:36,370 --> 00:11:40,250 No, I swear to God, sir. What did I just do? He served me. Hey, I'm just going 210 00:11:40,250 --> 00:11:42,630 to go out on a limb here, but are you ambisexual? 211 00:11:43,130 --> 00:11:47,330 I am. Would you like to have a drink and see if we can rub our way to a little 212 00:11:47,330 --> 00:11:48,330 gene smoke? 213 00:11:48,470 --> 00:11:49,470 Love to. 214 00:11:50,210 --> 00:11:51,810 I guess it's true what they say. 215 00:11:52,070 --> 00:11:53,530 Every pot has a lid. 216 00:11:54,410 --> 00:11:56,630 Boy, they fogged up that Altima real quick. 217 00:12:01,490 --> 00:12:02,710 Mom, what's going on? 218 00:12:02,990 --> 00:12:06,170 Your father got a letter saying his friends are taking him to court. 219 00:12:06,430 --> 00:12:10,370 Yeah, I read that letter. They're taking him to arbitration, not court. 220 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:15,110 What? Really? Yeah, and if you need representation, I'm happy to offer my 221 00:12:15,110 --> 00:12:17,990 services. I've spent months studying anal salvage law. 222 00:12:18,190 --> 00:12:19,480 Ew. You have? 223 00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:23,720 It started out as a fun personal project, but then I kind of fell down an 224 00:12:23,720 --> 00:12:24,800 internet rabbit hole. 225 00:12:25,060 --> 00:12:27,080 But this whole thing only happened a couple of days ago. 226 00:12:27,300 --> 00:12:30,880 Well, that's what we would call a happy coincidence now, isn't it? 227 00:12:34,930 --> 00:12:37,290 Okay, Stewie, run me through the plan one more time. 228 00:12:37,510 --> 00:12:41,130 All right, well, no one has more cats in town than the librarian, so there's a 229 00:12:41,130 --> 00:12:43,970 very good chance she'll have a Meow West look -alike inside. 230 00:12:44,310 --> 00:12:47,670 So I'll distract her here at the front door. You sneak in through the back and 231 00:12:47,670 --> 00:12:51,650 find us a replacement cat. I don't know. Me in another room full of cats seems 232 00:12:51,650 --> 00:12:56,210 risky. Oh, that's the risky part? Not the high -wire improvisational act I'm 233 00:12:56,210 --> 00:12:57,390 about to pull off with the librarian. 234 00:12:57,690 --> 00:13:01,210 No, I suppose that's the easy part, right? Do I need to remind you I'm on 235 00:13:01,210 --> 00:13:03,270 improv theater's house team, Brian? 236 00:13:03,710 --> 00:13:07,170 We had to kick Brad off, by the way. He did the Chinese voice on stage again. 237 00:13:07,570 --> 00:13:09,950 Whatever. I just want this whole thing to be over already. 238 00:13:12,310 --> 00:13:16,890 Hello, I'm an online dating expert, and I'm giving one lucky person a free 239 00:13:16,890 --> 00:13:20,430 Bumble profile makeover. May I ask how your dating life is going? 240 00:13:20,730 --> 00:13:25,170 Oh, let's just say my dating life's quieter than the place I work. 241 00:13:26,170 --> 00:13:29,950 I work in a library. 242 00:13:31,150 --> 00:13:35,830 No, yeah, I'm aware. Let's have a look at your profile, shall we? Oh, sure. Let 243 00:13:35,830 --> 00:13:36,930 me just log in. 244 00:13:45,670 --> 00:13:48,090 All right, here you go. 245 00:13:48,330 --> 00:13:52,030 All right, we'll start with your photos. We'll lose this one of you pointing at 246 00:13:52,030 --> 00:13:56,090 a grand opening banner at a Jersey Mike's. We'll also lose this one of you 247 00:13:56,090 --> 00:13:59,790 with your mother in her hospice bed. Doesn't exactly bring all the boys to 248 00:13:59,790 --> 00:14:00,790 yard. 249 00:14:05,450 --> 00:14:08,570 Oh, this one of you at the beach is decent. I mean, we'd have to airbrush 250 00:14:08,570 --> 00:14:12,890 the knee dimples, but this could work. Let me see if I... Ah, knee dimples be 251 00:14:12,890 --> 00:14:13,890 gone. 252 00:14:18,990 --> 00:14:21,330 Oh, a match. 253 00:14:21,710 --> 00:14:22,810 What? Let me see that. 254 00:14:23,310 --> 00:14:27,610 A Jewish urologist? Oh, I love that for you. Let's look at his profile. 255 00:14:29,610 --> 00:14:33,370 Okay, he's taken a selfie on a bus, on a public bus. 256 00:14:33,850 --> 00:14:34,870 Let's, um... 257 00:14:35,400 --> 00:14:36,400 Let's keep looking here. 258 00:14:39,620 --> 00:14:44,380 And I quote, we are all in this together no matter what. That is why my class 259 00:14:44,380 --> 00:14:46,640 deserves a share of the profit, your honor. 260 00:14:48,340 --> 00:14:51,520 Thank you, Mr. Baker. Okay, we'll now hear from Mr. 261 00:14:51,720 --> 00:14:55,840 Griffin's representative, Chris Griffin, who prepared for this by binge 262 00:14:55,840 --> 00:15:00,060 -watching Suits and then Googling Meghan Markle and then Googling Meghan Markle 263 00:15:00,060 --> 00:15:03,320 deepfakes. Thank you, your boner. 264 00:15:03,580 --> 00:15:08,720 If I may direct your attention to exhibits B through M, all items removed 265 00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,580 my father's anus in only the last 24 hours. 266 00:15:11,900 --> 00:15:16,960 Do Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire also lay claim to this Michelob Ultra 267 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:21,980 key fob? Would Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire feel justified taking home 268 00:15:21,980 --> 00:15:23,120 this highlighter cap? 269 00:15:23,400 --> 00:15:28,200 I submit that Messrs. Brown, Swanson, and Quagmire are nothing more than 270 00:15:28,200 --> 00:15:32,520 unprincipled opportunists. Poop swoopers, as it were. 271 00:15:33,210 --> 00:15:35,290 I've heard more than enough. Case over. 272 00:15:35,530 --> 00:15:36,810 Over? Who won? 273 00:15:37,130 --> 00:15:38,270 I don't know. Him. 274 00:15:38,530 --> 00:15:39,790 In your face! 275 00:15:40,030 --> 00:15:42,030 You gotta be kidding me! No, that's not fair. 276 00:15:42,370 --> 00:15:44,450 Maybe we'll win on appeal like Cosby. 277 00:15:46,830 --> 00:15:51,430 Excuse me. I'll work for Christie's Auction House, and we'd love to fetch 278 00:15:51,430 --> 00:15:53,550 top dollar for that G .I. Joe. 279 00:15:54,170 --> 00:15:56,390 Wow, the Christie's Auction House? 280 00:15:56,630 --> 00:16:00,010 No, it's actually Chris Christie's Auction House. 281 00:16:00,210 --> 00:16:03,870 We specialize in items that were swallowed by fat guys. 282 00:16:04,210 --> 00:16:08,890 We actually have an auction tomorrow, we could add you to. Get there early, 283 00:16:09,010 --> 00:16:13,650 though. We're starting with movie props swallowed by James Spader. 284 00:16:13,930 --> 00:16:16,110 Oh, James Spader is so handsome. 285 00:16:16,530 --> 00:16:20,450 Yes, for a half hour in the late 80s, he very much was. 286 00:16:26,670 --> 00:16:30,770 All right, Stewie, this is it. We open the cage, let the new meower West in, 287 00:16:30,770 --> 00:16:31,770 we're out of here. 288 00:16:32,410 --> 00:16:33,410 God damn it! 289 00:16:38,830 --> 00:16:39,830 Oh, 290 00:16:40,590 --> 00:16:43,790 Mayor West, good news. I think we found your missing cat. 291 00:16:44,030 --> 00:16:47,650 It may have had a heart attack from the excitement of this reunion. 292 00:16:48,030 --> 00:16:52,850 Well, I only have one question. If that's my cat, who's sitting over there 293 00:16:52,850 --> 00:16:53,850 couch? 294 00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:58,270 Well, Brian, I think the only thing to do now is... Go bag! 295 00:17:00,070 --> 00:17:04,230 I don't understand, but how... A short -haired tattooed woman from the shelter 296 00:17:04,230 --> 00:17:06,369 found him in a dumpster left for dead. 297 00:17:06,609 --> 00:17:09,829 Said she saw a dog and a little fella putting him in there. 298 00:17:10,170 --> 00:17:14,250 I'm so sorry, Mayor West. I acted on instinct. I'm just glad he's not dead. 299 00:17:14,470 --> 00:17:18,950 I teach all my cats to play possum. And I teach all my possums to play horse. 300 00:17:19,170 --> 00:17:21,310 And I teach all my horses to play cat. 301 00:17:21,609 --> 00:17:22,710 Circle of life. 302 00:17:24,839 --> 00:17:28,720 Did you teach that one, too? He may have seen my online course. I don't know. 303 00:17:29,020 --> 00:17:30,460 Now, for your punishment. 304 00:17:30,800 --> 00:17:33,700 Oh, no. I hate measured consequences to my actions. 305 00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:38,140 Six bad boys with very bad boys sprinkled in to taste. 306 00:17:38,500 --> 00:17:40,140 Six? That's a death sentence. 307 00:17:40,380 --> 00:17:41,199 Bad boy. 308 00:17:41,200 --> 00:17:42,960 Ow! Bad boy. I can't breathe. 309 00:17:43,160 --> 00:17:44,260 Very bad boy. 310 00:17:44,480 --> 00:17:45,139 That's worse. 311 00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:47,700 Bad boy. I'm low to the ground. Bad boy. 312 00:17:47,920 --> 00:17:50,260 I can't get any lower. Very bad boy. 313 00:17:50,480 --> 00:17:51,480 Oh, the shame. 314 00:17:58,660 --> 00:18:03,020 800. Do I hear 900 for the beard Kevin Smith sleep ate off his own face? 315 00:18:03,240 --> 00:18:05,320 Going once, going twice. 316 00:18:05,640 --> 00:18:10,720 Sold for $800 to Kevin Smith, who used to be fat and now looks like he was 317 00:18:10,720 --> 00:18:12,160 shrunken by a witch's spell. 318 00:18:14,080 --> 00:18:19,260 Next on the auction block, a vintage Scout GI Joe with binoculars removed 319 00:18:19,260 --> 00:18:20,580 the colon of Peter Griffin. 320 00:18:24,490 --> 00:18:25,510 This is it, Peter. 321 00:18:25,810 --> 00:18:26,950 Yeah, we're gonna be rich. 322 00:18:27,250 --> 00:18:29,870 We'll start the bidding at $75 ,000. 323 00:18:30,270 --> 00:18:34,610 75. 75. Do I hear 80? 80. It's happening, Peter. 324 00:18:34,870 --> 00:18:39,750 80 ,000. We can get Meg one year at Sarah Lawrence excluding the food 325 00:18:46,750 --> 00:18:49,150 90 ,000. 90. Do I hear 100? 326 00:18:49,570 --> 00:18:50,610 100 ,000. 327 00:19:02,730 --> 00:19:06,870 I'm cold and I am famed for lying naked on the floor. 328 00:19:08,310 --> 00:19:12,930 $100 ,000 going once, going twice. Stop the auction. 329 00:19:13,290 --> 00:19:14,730 Peter, what the hell are you doing? 330 00:19:18,250 --> 00:19:20,510 What is he doing? 331 00:19:20,810 --> 00:19:22,490 Saving three friendships. 332 00:19:22,910 --> 00:19:27,010 My name is Peter Griffin, and I've realized that no amount of money is 333 00:19:27,010 --> 00:19:28,230 more than great friendships. 334 00:19:28,510 --> 00:19:32,270 I guess what I'm saying is, life isn't about the contents of your butt. 335 00:19:32,670 --> 00:19:34,370 It's about the contents of your heart. 336 00:19:35,290 --> 00:19:36,470 I love you guys. 337 00:19:44,130 --> 00:19:47,250 I'm sorry, Lois. No, I'm the one who's sorry. 338 00:19:47,530 --> 00:19:52,030 No amount of money can buy the kind of friendship you guys have. Although, you 339 00:19:52,030 --> 00:19:55,790 could have just taken the money and split it four ways. But you made the 340 00:19:55,790 --> 00:19:57,770 decision, Peter, and I'm proud of you. 341 00:20:00,400 --> 00:20:05,660 But this story had an even happier ending, because 39 years later, the guys 342 00:20:05,660 --> 00:20:10,240 all dead, and I pooped that Joe out again, and I became the oldest freshman 343 00:20:10,240 --> 00:20:11,340 Sarah Lawrence College. 344 00:20:12,300 --> 00:20:16,780 Lois gave me a hall pass, but I failed to achieve arousal when a maybe woman 345 00:20:16,780 --> 00:20:17,940 touched my slacks. 346 00:20:22,320 --> 00:20:26,160 I'm sorry we almost let that toy ruin our friendship, Peter. We won't make the 347 00:20:26,160 --> 00:20:27,440 same mistake next time. 348 00:20:27,660 --> 00:20:31,160 Yeah, we're due for our next colonoscopies in five years. Maybe we 349 00:20:31,160 --> 00:20:32,180 that same cabin. 350 00:20:32,520 --> 00:20:33,840 Yeah, not sure that's gonna be possible. 351 00:20:34,080 --> 00:20:36,740 That guy was pretty mad. Made me send my own cleaning lady. 352 00:20:40,780 --> 00:20:43,320 Oh, no, no, no, no. 353 00:20:50,140 --> 00:20:51,140 How's no good?